Here is the original text with all of the long ramblings and passive voice:
Passive Voice/Transitive Verbs
During our class time I was introduced to many life narratives, articles, and documentaries, written and directed by Asian Americans, which described the experiences that different individuals had. Throughout all of them I noticed a trend: relocation. All of these people were relocated in one form or another, be it being forcefully uprooted, moved, adopted, detained or interned, exiled, or being put into slavery, their lives were changed because of this relocation. I would like to explore the effects this movement had on Asian Americans in regards to physical and emotional stresses, along with how they changed culturally and socially. Some of the most horrific experiences these Asian Americans went through were centered around their geographical movements, and they were changed as individuals by these occurrences.
Relocation happened for many reasons. Asian Americans have been forcefully moved and enslaved because of an invading entity, or detained and interned out of fear during wartime situations. They have been exiled back to their country of origin for mistakes that would have meant a slap on the wrist for a natural born citizen, and also adopted by U.S. families looking to fill the void in their lives and do their part to help the “less fortunate”. During all of these processes, different forms of stress occur -- physically and emotionally -- and although each narrative is different in regards to how these individuals dealt with their stress, it is none-the-less still there. The most prominent and easiest to recognize, is physical stress.
Physical stress can be a very powerful thing and can come from many different stimuli within one’s life. Being relocated for any reason puts physical stress on an individual. The majority of instances I read about involved Asian Americans being forced to pack up and leave their homes and everything they knew. Through this experience many of them were forced to work or become slaves, living under poor conditions and being worked literally to death. Chanrithy Him’s narrative, When Broken Glass Floats, highlights her time spent under the Khmer Rouge and how she underwent massive amounts of physical stress. Once the Khmer Rouge invaded Cambodia, her family was forced to leave their home and relocate to Phnom Penh, where their struggle to survive began and the slave labor was horrific and never ending. She lived off of rations, barely big enough to feed one or two people, which were supposed to feed her entire family, and worked from dawn to dusk, sometimes longer, every day. They did not have a vehicle for transportation and were required to walk everywhere -- without the comfort of a pair of shoes.
Here is my revision:
The narratives, articles, and documentaries I looked at during the semester, written and directed by Asian Americans, all shared a common theme: relocation. The narrators spoke of their relocation through forceful uprooting, moving, adoption, detainment or internment, exile, and slavery. I will explore the effects this movement had on Asian Americans in regards to physical and emotional stresses, along with how they changed culturally and socially.
Relocation happened for many reasons. Invading entities detained and interned Asian Americans, forcing them to become slaves. The United States also exiled these people for mistakes that a citizen would receive a slight punishment for, and families adopted children to fill the void in their lives and do their part to help the “less fortunate”. Physical and emotional stresses formed because of these processes. The most prominent and easiest to recognize being physical stress.
Being relocated for any reason puts physical stress on an individual. The Asian American’s captors forced families to leave their homes and become slaves—living under poor conditions and working themselves to death. Chanrithy Him’s narrative, When Broken Glass Floats, highlights her time spent under the Khmer Rouge and how she underwent massive amounts of physical stress. The Khmer Rouge invasion led her family to leave their home and relocate to Phnom Phen, where their slave labor began. Her family lived off of inadequate rations and worked from dawn to dusk every day. Their captors provided no transportation—her family relying on shoe-less feet for mobility.
The original is 437 words and the revised is 245. Reduced the content by 44%. Not bad for a first attempt! Haha.
If I missed highlighting anything in my first version, let me know! I kept finding more things to revise during my revision process. I'm not really sure if I like the shortened way better. I have a certain voice and style while writing, and it's hard for me to change that. Sometimes getting right to the point is a good thing, but this paper I wrote was more about getting a message across that would make an impact on the reader and really show them what these people went through during their narratives. The paper itself was about 12 pages long, so this is only a small taste of what was discussed and shared. Still, maybe I just like being long winded and pompous! =P