Saturday, September 29, 2012

Atheism and Boners in Church


I am currently working on the first chapter of a Young Adult Novel for Engl 325, so the following is my attempt at progress toward its completion. BE WARNED: Adult language and sexual innuendos are prominent in this excerpt.

                                                                                                                                                Drip.
                                                                                                                Drip.
                                                                Drip.
Blackness.
No, consciousness.

                                                                                Drip.
                                                                                                Drip.

Head throbbing. Liquid.
                                                                                                                                Drip.

Blood? Sweat? It is hot.
Or am I cold?
                                                                Drip.
                                                                                                                Drip.
                                                                                                Drip.
I don’t know.

                                                Drip.
                                                                                Drip.

Fading…falling…No!
Stay awake!
Scream for help. Yell, shout, do SOMETHING!

                                Drip.

Move.

                                                Drip.
                                                                Drip.

Fade…
                                                                                Drip.
                                                                                                                Drip.
                                                                                                                                                           Drop.



Blackness.







                It’s Sunday. My favorite day of the week. The day my mother dresses me in her idea of my Sunday best and escorts me through the threshold of a building that should burn me alive—SAVING GRACE CHURCH. I don’t believe in God anymore. It was swell when I was a child, but the swelling’s gone down. Now when she drags me toward the pulpit, I can feel the laser beams emanating from the eyes of Jesus Christ himself, blaring down on the top of my head in an attempt to ensure the safety of my immortal—and eternally damned—soul.
                My obvious lack of belief in something imaginary scares the shit out of my mother, ALTHOUGH she’d never use that sort of derogatory smut to define fecal matter herself. She’d be more likely to just give me that look (Yeah. Exactly.) and tell me that all good people go to church so God can tell us what to do with our lives. I mean, who wouldn't want to have some imaginary “whatever” planning out every aspect of your life?
                Right.
                As we make our way through the lobby filled with other sheep, I see her, THAT BEAUTIFUL GODDESS MEGHAN LARSON, and think of how much hotter she’d be if she didn't have the mental disability of believing in God. Seriously. WHEN YOU’RE GRACED WITH LONG LEGS, A PERFECT SMILE, AND A MAGNIFICENT ASS, IT’S HARD TO UNDERSTAND WHY YOU WOULD WANT TO FUCK UP YOUR LIFE BY BELIEVING IN A STORY WRITTEN BY A BUNCH OF DRUNKEN HIPPIES. We pass her and the smell is intoxicating: FRESH STRAWBERRIES MIXED WITH A HINT OF RAINFALL. It has become the only thing I look forward to during the week. I am invisible to her the other six days, but Sunday she always makes it a point to smile at me as my senses overload causing the half chub in my pants to become hard to hide. God damn khakis.
                Standing next to her is Jason (A COMPLETE AND TOTAL DOUCHE) WHO manages to help confirm my theory that all worshipers of Christ are bat-shit crazy. He’s the kind of person that is born again around adults and the son of Satan when he thinks no one’s looking, WHOSE breath and eyes should be a dead giveaway, but his parents always seem to look the other way—turn the other cheek, if you really want to be a jack ass about it. Ha.

(This next sentence is more of an afterthought for a paragraph or two later.)
The rest of the service becomes a blur, AS it is invaded by the scent of freshness tinted with citrus.

Dear Commenter,
The sentence that starts out "Standing next to her is Jason" is giving me a bit of trouble. I can't decide whether I should put a comma after the parenthetical or leave it as is. What do you think? Otherwise, comment on whatever you want! =)

4 comments:

  1. I think adding a comma there, seeing as how it is already greatly separated from main flow of ideas with the use of parentheses is almost optional. I would think any other sort of punctuation would almost call for the use of commas. If you take a look at what I have I went back and forth on those as well depending on the amount of stress I was putting on the appositive. I think a comma here might lessen Jason's douchiness slightly. The appositive without seems to slam douche into Jason.

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  2. I agree that the comma there is not needed as the parentheses already do the same. I really like what you have written so far for a first chapter. I don't know yet what the meaning of the first part is with the "drips" but it certainly grabs the readers attention before we have narrative. "I don’t believe in God anymore. It was swell when I was a child, but the swelling’s gone down." Definitely my favorite line. In a lot of these blogs the patterns of the week really stand out because the writer is trying to add in things they wouldn't otherwise have, but the patterns you have in this definitely add to the selection and it didn't read choppy. I'm curious where you go now with the story but great job with the patterns. You'll make Barbara proud.

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  3. Thank you guys. I thought it seemed alright without the comma, but just wanted some second opinions. Taylor, even I don't honestly know where (or who) the character is in that first section. I just started typing and that's what happened. Haha. Nate, I'm glad the idea of Jason being a douche is hitting home with my sentence! Definitely want him to seem that way!

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  4. great comments, Nate and Taylor--and good rhetorical reasons for NOT putting in that comma, which technically should be in there if this weren't creative writing. And, yeah, that "swelling" sentence is my favorite, too. Dang, you're a great writer, Stephanie. I wish I could be proud, but you already were before you hit my class.

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